Friday, September 9, 2011

conversations with my dad


[To preface-- earlier this week I was talking with my dad on the phone and he was giving me an update on the dog. As always. He told me that she was recently diagnosed with a bladder infection. This causes her to stop and squat about every couple of seconds on their four mile walk, but nothing comes out. She's receiving meds and is on the mend, but it's a long process.]

DAD
I'm worried about her self-esteem,

ME
Why?

DAD
Well, I mean it's very frustrating when she stops every four seconds! It puts a crimp in our time. And she makes eye contact with me the whole time she's doing it.

ME
Yeah, she tends to do that.

DAD
And then I yell, "YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PEE LEFT IN THERE!" I don't think she understands me. But then sometimes she poops and I have to say, "Oh, wait, sorry, my mistake."

ME
You apologize to the dog?

DAD
Well, yeah, I don't want her to have some kind of Freudian complex and think it's not okay for her to poop. That could be damaging.



...If any of you were curious as to where my personality comes from, maybe now you know.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

how to celebrate an anniversary


Just take it from Boyf and I, because we are experts. Yesterday was exactly seven-hundred and thirty days since the day when he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. If you want to celebrate in style, like we did, simply follow these easy steps.


1) Stay in bed until approx. 10 am because it is Labor Day. Keep talking about how glad you are you don't have to go to work.

2) Make pancakes together because that is what adorable couples do and you are nothing if not an adorable couple, goddammit!* Put cut up peaches in the batter. Then, while your doting other half slaves over the actual making of the pancakes on the hot stove, ignore the dishes and any semblance of helping him and read blogs on your laptop instead.

3) Do laundry. Debate for a long time if you should sullen this holiest of holy days by venturing into the Dark and Scary Basement Which Has A Fallout Shelter Which Also Has A Padlock On It (I Mean, What Is The Point Of A Fallout Shelter That No One Can Access?!). Decide that ultimately, nothing kills romance faster than smelling bad.

4) Ask your beloved if you can borrow quarters because you don't have any, because you are not a real adult. Make no effort to repay said "borrowed" quarters.

5) Exchange gifts. Give him only half of his, because you waited too long to order the other half, and it has yet to arrive. Watch as he makes a big deal over how much he likes his half gift. Then open his gift for you and cry like a small child over how perfect and thoughtful it is.

6) Play James Taylor records and make hummus. Realize that three-day weekends are life's way of showing you how lame you are. Shouldn't you be able to think of more things to do on an extra day off?

7) Offer Boyf a bite of said hummus and watch as he almost keels over from the amount of garlic you put in.

8) Start thinking about where you want to go for your Fancy Anniversary Dinner.

9) Realize, as Boyf attemps to make reservations, that everywhere. Is. Closed. Something about a national holiday? Who knew.

10) Finally break down and put on jeans instead of the cutoffs you've been shivering in all day. Summer is over.

11) Go to Wegman's and take Boyf's declaration of, "Anything you want, babe, seriously" a little too seriously. Put literally everything you see into the cart for dinner. End up with a wedge of brie, a white baguette, overpriced gourmet hamburger patties, rolls, two giant potatoes, three different kinds of cheesy dip from the olive bar, and a six-pack of raspberry beer. Purposefully forget that Boyf really doesn't like fruity beer so as to give yourself an excuse to drink the whole thing.

12) Make dinner. Burn yourself making steak fries.

13) Eat said dinner in front of the TV. Watch three episodes of Sons of Anarchy, Season One.

14) Ignore the dishes.

15) Make him kiss you on the face an obnoxious amount before passing out at 10:30.


See? IS EASY. If you want, the next day you can blog about your special day and then ask him if you can put up a picture of him cuddling with a toy elephant on your blog. He will probably say yes, because he's a gem and all that.


*See, I told you there would be more swearing!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

dawn of the dead



Well, hello!

Here are some things that have been going on in the past couple months. Please pick and choose from among this list to formulate a custom excuse for why I have been absent from the blogosphere for almost exactly three months.

  • I bought two vegan cookbooks and seriously thought about going vegan.
  • I stuffed bratwursts in my face two at a time at the company End of Summer Picnic.
  • Girl Roomie and Boy Roomie moved out.
  • New Roomie moved in. His name is Brian. He's okay I GUESS.
  • I got a promotion at work! However, it doesn't kick into effect until December, so I am going to be poor for a little while longer.
  • I turned into my mother and started eating oatmeal for breakfast, force-feeding Boyf vitamins against his will and spraying everyone with SPF 50 every ten minutes.
  • I stopped wearing cool clothes because I work in an office thirty hours a week and no one there understands over-the-knee socks.
  • I sweat my ass off during the same ridiculously humid summer that I so looked forward to during the ridiculously snowy winter.
  • I gained eleven pounds.
  • I begged incessantly for a puppy, much to Boyf's irritation.
  • I cut my hair off.
  • I finally got my car's oil changed!
  • !!!!!!
  • Seriously guys, the oil thing is a big deal.
  • Also, I bought a pepper grinder and it might be my favorite purchase of all time.
See?

I'm not sure what kind of blog this iteration is going to be. What I do know is that I want it to feel more personal, and I'm not sure if right now that necessarily means posting an outfit three times a week. Also I wanted to be able to curse more, because I curse a lot in real life and people don't really curse a lot on fashion blogs. Has anyone else realized that?

But I still like blogging, and I miss you guys. Also, apparently my dad tells people about my blog when they ask how I'm doing in Buffalo. So I have to give the people something, you know?

What I do know is that it's good to be back. Again.