Monday, November 1, 2010

denise. my arch nemesis.

I had to give the yoga video back to the library last week.  It made me sad. I felt like I'd grown very close to the yoga video, and knowing that I was giving it back into the hands of a public institution where it could (and will) probably get passed around, willy-nilly, to anyone who wants?  Well, that just makes me shudder.  I liked the yoga lady.  She was calm and friendly without being patronizing and always counted correctly and had abs that looked achievable instead of intimidating and ridiculous.
I'm looking into purchasing a new yoga video online.  Maybe one that's more strenuous, but the yoga lady has to be perfect.  Possibly named Sarah, like the lady in my previous video. Possibly with the same yellow bra-top that so subtly and perfectly matched the workout company's logo.

Anyway, I'm doing some kind of ridiculous, self-imposed Fitness Lockdown this week.  I'll probably run out of steam by...tomorrow.  But anyway, today I was determined to do cardio and abs.  So I hit the treadmill and then plugged in my dad's old Denise Austin pilates DVD and hit the mat.

That bitch drives me crazy.  My dad used to do the two workouts on the DVD on alternating days.  For years, I am not kidding you.  The DVD is actually an upgrade from the VHS we used to have.  I used to be able to recite every ridiculous thing she said.  Watching my dad sweat along to the instricutions of a blonde bimbo was a little funny at first, but you can't ignore the fact that it's a killer workout and, that if you could just melt the fat off the top, you would have something like an eight-pack.

But she's just so.  Fucking.  Annoying.

It's not just her ridiculously skimpy leotard and perfect blowout that frustrate me, but her breathy voice.  Denise, I am not interested in phone sex.  I am just trying to activate my core.  Please stop trying to seduce me.  

Also, she loses count all the time.  Which drives me insane. I know lots of instructional videos do this, but I hate when I do one side for a ten-count or whatever, and then she gets up and goes over to Jenny or Danielle or Marcia or whoever to demonstrate the perfect lines she is making with her neutral pelvis, blah blah blah, whatever and I am sweating out the other side to a count of like, sixty before Denise finally comes back to the mat, sits back down, and says, "Now release."  Yeah, easy for you to say, Barbie.  

Also, she says things like, "It should feel like a crane pulling through your head" and "Strong body, strong mind" when what she is doing has nothing to do with mental clarity or anything like that.  Stop giving me meaningless slogans, Denise!  Sarah the Yoga Lady would never have done that.  She would have explained thoroughly and only made relevant remarks.  Also?  Stop saying "Namaste" at the end of workouts.  This is pilates, not yoga.  Don't be a poser.

Also, she looks way too happy and perfect while working out and I am jealous.  And wears a white leotard in the second workout and never breaks a sweat.
Someone recommend me a new workout video.  Fast.

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